Shark week, but for squirrels.
You Might Also Like
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
my favorite genre of twitter
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded