Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”