first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
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If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”