I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
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(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
May never get over this
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.