SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I want this so bad
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.