Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
i baked you a cake
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.