Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
You Might Also Like
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Weirdos gonna weird.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.