Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
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dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
You saw nothing. I am ham.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.