LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
You Might Also Like
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.