ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
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Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
When a shoelace touches your ankle
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes