Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Bros before Ohioes
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Investing in beetcoin
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.