I like donuts.
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Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look