*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
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Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Are you ok, human???
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
😂🤣😂🤣
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.