My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass