[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
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rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Look at this
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
This bar smells like my childhood.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw