The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up