HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
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My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems