anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
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Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
What number SPF blocks people?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it