Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
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I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.