my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
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Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
doing your own taxes
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.