It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
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@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.