Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*