[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
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Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*