Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.