*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
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Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw