Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
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The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
pictures of spider-man