I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.