Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
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the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit