I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
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I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.