If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale