9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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rapatouille
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*