The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”