I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
We found love in a hopeless place.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes