Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
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Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then