I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”