Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.