Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
You Might Also Like
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas