To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i鈥檓 gonna have to fight a dragon
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.鈥擠og obituary
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I wanna be friends with this person
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 馃ぃ
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me [pitching a book idea]: It鈥檚 a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
And that about sums it up.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!