Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.