Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
#MeanwhileInCanada
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid