So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
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I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
okay run it by me one more time
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Ugh but profoundly
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me too
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon