Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
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If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Meow
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
2022 will be better than 2021
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT