I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
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James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.