“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.