My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
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ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Noah was an idiot.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.