How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
You Might Also Like
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
ok hear me out: Luigiana
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*