I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
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If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Passwords are more important than ever.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣