*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
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Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Taliband
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
“What?”
– Jude