Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: ๐
Me: ๐ถ
Friend: ๐
Me: ๐
Me: ๐๐ญ
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
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When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Friendโs Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturdayโs?
Me: well I donโt spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words thatโs for sure
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where theyโre roasting a whole pig and when she asked โwhatโs the charityโ I said it was for the pigโs family.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whateverโฆnow Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone elseโs house.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiotsโฆ
A few seconds ago โข Comment โข Like
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if heโd like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My current situation
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and thatโs exactly what youโll tell the cops when they get here
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like โYouโve never had any lessonsโ and โYou donโt even have a violinโ and โThatโs a banjo and a stick.โ
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?