Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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english majors be like furthermore
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.